Pieces of You

the perks of being a wallflower

2012-02-13T19:39:00.002Z

Panic stations

2012-02-13T13:04:00.001Z

Holiday is well and truly over.

First draft of my thesis/Final Year Project is due in about two weeks. That means I have to really REALLY get my act together, step away from the internet/friends/being out and just make myself smarter.. This is possible right? Oof. The idea makes my heart feel funny and my head thump. Help. :(

Right now I'm availing of the lovely free internet now available on the Cork-Dublin train and shooting loud teenagers dirty looks for disrupting the peace of my (yes, my) carriage. There is absolutely no need for anyone to play cards that loudly. Ever.

dutyfree

2012-02-13T03:20:00.000Z

This feels very similar to that time I was flying home from EYP and overnighting in London and didn't bother leaving the airport but instead I sat and I thought and I considered and I tried to sort my life out. Similar feelings. Just that slightly wrinkled airport "glow" everyone has is probably enough to ring similarities. I've also been also since leaving Alex in the airport and I'm on the very verge of being very brave and cutting free of an all-consuming and all encompassing thing with someone that is no longer bringing me happiness. I don't know how exactly to go about it. Maybe just not say anything, don't get needy, don't get in touch and remember how horrible that they're able to be.

I have the power to change myself.
He's a hopeless case and I'm not wasting much more of my time with it.

Course it saddens me to go. Of course I'll get lonely sometimes. But, that's why we remember the worst. Let them be and let yourself live. I've shown that I don't need them to talk to everyday. I've stopped telling them most things. I've trying to make a future for myself and they seem determined to stick in their lonely rut of anger and pointlessness.

I'm done with it.

I like having my own time, doing things my way and, altogether, not feeling unhappy. I kinda knew this would happen around this time of year also. I mean, he's done everything to show it since forever. I just hope karma exists.

2012-02-12T16:21:00.000Z

spiraling into that post EYP session burn out where I'm am hurtled into a reality which is altogether too bright for my tired eyes. I'm sitting in the bar of my hotel for the evening, trying to pitpatter away at my Sociology assignment (due tomorrow!) and dithering over what to order for my "dinner". I feel I am thoroughly going to enjoy a very indulgent and long shower shortly and a somewhat mistimed yet still enjoyable sleep. But first, assignment (and sleep, and food and a nice glass of cola). My Kosovo experience was altogether brilliant and perfect and it was so strange to be able to distract myself from... boy crap. I just want to be somewhere sunny (what else) with few worries, the chance to read some fiction, the chance to exercise and to be happy and to be free and to get in the car and just drive and drive and the chance to dance and just not to have to worry. I am so so so painfully behind on my thesis that I really am considering just begging friends to help me out. It's such a huge part of my degree that I can't run the risk of fucking this up. I don't want to limit any options or to put myself at any sort of definitions. I feel like change, always, but this time I'm more happy in making changes in myself, in even the smallest of things. I sometimes get carried away and tell myself that a change in circumstances will change me, not so much anymore. This is good, I feel.

2012-02-10T13:40:00.001Z

this is how my little life could be

2012-02-06T14:22:00.001Z

I'm really stuck at the moment. I'm am 100% supposed to be going away tomorrow but thanks to Malev airlines folding, I am now waiting to see if an organiser has booked my flights instead. Do I pack? Do I not? Should I do college work or make to-do lists. Less than 24 hours until my supposed departure. I hate not having all of the facts and details.

the only thing that makes sense

2012-02-06T01:38:00.002Z

2012-02-02T15:45:00.001Z

Toddling back into normal life after a brief night away at *insert friend's name here *'s house. I told myself to stop taking these days and nights and disappearing- final year is becoming more and more of a cruel reality which I love to ignore. But that's me, forced ignorance. Well, ignorance is too strong a word. Anyway, just documenting these strange feeling that is tiptoeing back into college life and responsibilities and realities and deadlines and sessions and essays and thesis. I feel very quiet. All I want to do is get my jobs done and go right back to where I was. As much as I'm sure I could look better right now, 3am intimacies do make things better. There's a closeness in midnight friendship that is hard to find elsewhere. It's cold out. I forgot my coat. Again. Spring is closer and real though and beyond that, who needs anything else.

Current mood: fine
Current music (more telling?): Neutral Milk Hotel.

2012-02-01T22:52:00.000Z

bad habits tricking me up

how hard should it be to not fall, to keep up and not to lapse.

answer: fair impossible half the time. but I don't even know why, like I don't feel like whatever and I know the consequences but still... blah. discontentment and a promise to self for being better.

2012-02-01T18:53:00.000Z

This picture makes me infinitely happy

Spring!

2012-02-01T17:23:00.001Z

First day of spring and the weather is almost representative of that. College life itself is a bit mad in so far as people are small, petty and just not worth much hassle sometimes. I don't want to think about people who are essentially pissing me off because its pretty much nice and sunny and sure, if people are going to be horrible without reason then I'm more than happy to just walk.

Brighter news:

Strawberry fields.

My nails are finally growing longer (as is my hair!) so I'm enjoying some fun with painting my nails and all that carp. Yes, carp. Mmm, carp. Etc.

My new swan "bralet" (What on earth a bralet is I don't know but its covered in a pretty swan pattern).
This time next week I'm going to be in Kosovo.

Secret smiles from nice strangers.

2012-01-31T23:26:00.001Z

of course I don't know what team is right

2012-01-24T12:53:00.001Z

"I'm the Queen of Nothing, I'm King of the World"

Left

2012-01-24T12:37:00.001Z

"Oh, there's nothing more to it, I just get through it"

That's all I have to say really.

I guess this is day number one (again)

2012-01-23T17:47:00.003Z

The new First Aid Kit album is beautiful and perfect and I might be crying but it makes me feel so so so much better. Something in those voices is absolutely soothing and I'm very grateful for having seen them a few years ago at Electric Picnic.

Who am I today?
I found out (four days early) about the interview I went for 2/3 weeks ago. I got good news. And then phoned them about not being able to attend the first training weekend and they said that we can work with it and it'll all be fine so I feel massively reassured.

Tonight's plans go so far as to include a Skype date, vodka and the gym. Not in that order quite at all but there you go. I feel really really mistreated by a friend today, I don't think I want to have someone like that in my life and I think about how many times I've tried to walk away and then I have to wonder why oh why am I still here. It's nice and comforting to say "oh, fate" but really and truly I can't believe in fate. We have to make our own path ours and explore ideas and thoughts and what we make is where we end up. I guess it's time to start dancing to another tune. Laziness will kill you.

2012-01-21T21:12:00.003Z

all the stars in the sky just remind me how small this world is and how huge we can feel, so invincible. Are we foolish ?

cakes and ale

2012-01-21T00:09:00.000Z

"I cannot bear the emptiness of it. The reality of the fact we are nothing, and this is the life I chose."

Such perfect moments. Over so quickly. Reality is colder. We aren't so close in real life. We say the same things at the same time, we overread each other and this can lead to silliness because we pick up on things that don't really matter.

My heart is full. I think full of tears though, sometimes at least. You know where you're right on the verge of just letting completely go and have all those tears pour out and you're not even completely sure. Othertimes, absolutely full of love and perfect moments and shiny shiny happiness

I appreciate the smaller moments. That even today and yesterday you were almost publicly perfect.
Shame that you're gone again.
Get used to this.
Spending seconds and making decisions based on them.

Life is silly. I don't like the weekends anymore. I like my schedules and my routine and having endless choices. Fridays tend to end this, they crumble away and I'm less likely to hide away in the gym or library. I need to seize more opportunities I suppose.I've just been so tired lately. Haven't been able to meet my usual

Although, I'm right on the verge, right here.
Change and rush and new things are just right out of my grasp.

Soon. I suppose.

Meanwhile, work and fake smiles to strangers while counting change and wondering (hoping) that this won't be always the way.

Two weeks

2012-01-18T14:08:00.000Z

One thing that my latest "heath kick" has taught me is the absolute importance of patience. I know that sounds so silly and logical but I really am the kinda girl that expects results straight away. Call it impatience or something but I like results and I like them now. So with this, I'm trying to break up "assessing situations" daily (or by the hour) and instead measuring maybe once a week. It's definately a better method and I'm constantly reminding myself that change takes time and work and investment. So, I guess in another way that is how I'm "waiting". Marie, always waiting.. Not to say I'm not appreciating whats going on at the very moment in time but I also know that it can take months to get the results you desire. It's the same with everything though. Even silly things like waiting for my hair to grow..

Blah.

I'm currently in the library. My days for half the week go as follows; get up before noon, gym, library, go out. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

testing
testing

2012-01-17T21:49:00.001Z

confession

2012-01-15T22:18:00.000Z

Does it make me massively MASSIVELY pathetic to admit that I'm watching The Spice Girls Movie and absolutely loving it?

Chase the dragon across the sand dune

2012-01-14T18:02:00.003Z

Well, I feel better. More awake. More alert. More something. I don't know exactly what spurted this on but my lackluster approach to life that had been taunting me in its lack of productivity.. but the important thing is that it has dulled and stuff is back to being interesting, more fun and worthwhile. I think I can say that my friends have been absolutely brilliant. Between silly Skype conversations from Finland, watching their videos online, coffee dates and making plans.

Life moves on. I'm not into focusing all my thoughts on being sad and angry at the betrayal of another. Being thoroughly aware of and disillusioned with the behaviour of others is something that makes life a little bleaker and definitely it's alot more happy believing in the best of others. Who knows, maybe faith and hope grows back. Right now, I think I'm heartbroken. Or maybe just broken. But fixing. And that's the important thing.

The good times: under the stars in a convertible, far away places, getting giddy together, glitter crafts, secrets, making cake..

I could go on forever...

even the last kiss

(was that only six days ago? yes.)

conversations

2012-01-13T23:27:00.000Z

-*ruffles hair*

i would like marie company right now
- I would love your company! I'd make tea, bring the cake, put on Where The Wild Things Are and fill the room with blankets.
-we'd make a fort

and then i'd cry at the end of the film
-but then I'd shove cake in your face and everything would be fine.
-that sounds like it might cheer me up alright

i have tea here!

barrys.

my dad sent it to me. i like him.

and I'm trying to concentrate

2012-01-13T13:40:00.001Z

on all the horrible lies he's told
the pain

trying to concentrate on my own life

trying to not hope and hope and hope that they're not being intimate
trying to assure myself that he isn't like that anymore
that he really did change

but I mostly doubt.

ow.

2012-01-12T13:57:00.001Z

21 things to do before I'm 22

2012-01-11T17:50:00.000Z

Let's get some forward thinking down here and make some plans.

1) Emigrate/move away for a substantial amount of time in a sunnier climate - in progress
2) Make the red polka dotted bow that I saw in one of my dreams and want to wear in my hair
3) Dye my hair something obnoxious - done
4) Develop a real exercise regime that doesn't involve self-loathing - in progress
5) Travel to somewhere that I have to double check on a map for the actually location
6) Drive somewhere new and scary all on my own - done (Dublin is new and scary when you're trying to find Castleknock)
7) Graduate
8) Hang that poster I bought in Paris
9) Have a giant clean out and drastically cut down the amount of clothes/books/cds etc that I have
10) Lots of EYP
11) Visit Rita in Donegal
12) Stop biting my nails - in progress
13) Finish moving out of my old bedroom at home home
14) Keep saving money
15) Actually give up something for Lent
16) Put up shelves in my hall, straight
17) Read more books and stop judging myself for sometimes wanting to buy magazines
18) Drive around abroad, rent a car and go roadtrip style
19) Finally get some progress/closure on an ongoing/neverending relationshipesque disaster
20) Send more post and personal letters to people abroad
21) Go to the library as much as possible

patience

2012-01-11T14:55:00.001Z

I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start at the moment. Some sort of post holiday emptiness has appeared and I have to sit it out before things will improve. I'm trying to be good and exercising/practicing piano/studying/whatever my way through this time but I dunno, my heart really isn't in it currently. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I think I have this feeling that everything is about to GO. Like someone else is holding the match that needs to be lit and then I'll be on fire and going and planning and moving and aspiring towards something.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very much in love with today, for all its indulgences, habits and people but there's little mystery in today.But I do dream on sunshine, the sea and the feeling of a warm summer sunshine.

Maybe its just because it is January, a month I don't care for. I have few complaints, I'm just excited about whats around the corner maybe. Otherwise, I'm not sure how to pass this time as absolutely positively as possible. I know that work pays off and it might take months but every day is an achievement in itself.

A good day

2012-01-10T19:06:00.001Z

Small things: I made it to my 9am lecture, I am listening to beautiful music, being asked for help on something I enjoy.

Bigger things: Great committee meeting with PsychSoc, a secret little smile and the way his expression changed, everything timetabling itself perfectly.

So excited for the 27th - Will find out about my SUAS interview and whether or not I got it on the same day that I am flying out to spend a weekend with my best friend.

Bliss.

There'll be sunshine soon.

this makes me happy

2012-01-09T00:11:00.002Z

2012-01-06T14:37:00.000Z

2012-01-05T20:20:00.001Z

Beauty is an ecstasy; it is as simple as hunger.

There is really nothing to be said about it.

It is like the perfume of a rose: you can smell it and that is all

- W. Somerset Maugham

Shel Silverstein

2012-01-05T13:35:00.003Z

He's the Twistable Turnable Squeezable Pullable
Stretchable Foldable Man.
He can crawl in your pocket or fit your locket
Or screw himself into a twenty-volt socket,
Or stretch himself up to the steeple or taller,
Or squeeze himself into a thimble or smaller,
Yes he can, course he can,
He's the Twistable Turnable Squeezable Pullable
Stretchable Shrinkable Man.
And he lives a passable life
With his Squeezable Lovable Kissable Hugable
Pullable Tugable Wife.
And they have two twistable kids
Who bend up the way that they did.
And they turn and they stretch
Just as much as they can
For this Bendable Foldable
Do-what-you're-toldable
Easily moldable
Buy-what you're-soldable
Washable Mendable
Highly Dependable
Buyable Saleable
Always available
Bounceable Shakeable
Almost unbreakable
Twistable Turnable Man.

Resolute

2012-01-03T20:36:00.001Z

I have yet to actually properly compile and list my actual New Year's Resolutions. I could be a skeptic but I find it more enjoyable to embrace the idea that New Year's is a chance for starting over and just for telling yourself that there are things you want to do, experience and achieve.

1) I want to become more healthy. Diet and exercise are where I'm looking here firstly but to also cop on regarding any ... "indulgences".

2) I want to spend my summer abroad in a sunny country. This may sound unusual to someone who doesn't know me. The sun makes me happier. Easy.

3) I want to grow my hair out and have it be properly tended to and looked after. And to stop biting my nails.

4) I want to get back into customising my own clothes and making more art and having more fun. I started with (re)beginning piano but I think starting the ukulele and buying more paint again and ribbons and sewing kids and such will be a good head start.

5) I want to read more. Get engrossed in books and fall asleep only to be volted awake as the book falls from my hand.

6) Less television, phone-use and social networking. It's just not healthy. I want to sleep normal hours and wake up early and make the most of my days.

7)More photography. I have no excuse; an array of amazing lenses and a perfect iPhone 4 camera phone. I also enjoy it. I'm just really lazy sometimes. :)

8)Not to shy away from people when they're just being nice. This mostly relates to boys expressing a desire to try to get to know another and I pretty much freak out and think bad things about them and convince myself they're strange and then look back 6 months later and think of how I really lost a chance.

2011- the long, but mostly the short of it.

2012-01-03T20:19:00.000Z

It's strange to think back and try to compress the entirety of last year into just a few words, some flash memories that pop into my head. I'm trying but there's an overwhelming sense of guilt too because I'm sure no matter how much I'll have written, I'll have forogtten some small memory, some kind act done by another, a really nice sensation (walking home barefoot through the rain, the smells of summer), feeling good about myself, trying to forgot feeling bad about myself. I'm growing up and I'm getting too old for nonsense and silliness unless its premeditated. These days.

January.
February.
March.
April.
May.
June.
July.
August.
September.
October.
November.
December.

It makes me really sad to remember how many negative words and fights with him I can remember in a flash. What is it about the human brain that makes it so so easy to remember the hurt rather than cherish the warm, the kind and the laughter.

We've had great times, good times, strange times and bad times. I think though, I can safely say (and even confidently say) that I am not in love with him anymore. I know I could be.. That I've been in this place before and I chose to work on "us" (whatever we ever were). But not this time. This time I know that I've been hurt mentally and physically. That at our very best, we still weren't sure. I'm trying not to let writing this make me cry. There have been too many tears. There are too many reasons to go and only the feeling in my heart to tell me it'll all be okay with us. I think the happiest we were was the end of August. We spent perhaps a week going to and from each others houses. There were no fights. We slept together and it was more than the act. It was heart-warming and happy and I'm glad those moments happened. We can't do that anymore. I've seen too (edit...) much. As well as that, I've been less of a good friend when I've been with him. Not cruelly. I've just had (and made less) time for the others. And I don't ever want to lose anyway.

Oh the things I should be doing.. Still, these words are.. like a healthy catharsis. I don't mind losing this right now. I know there's plenty more fish in the sea and more health and happiness just there. Plus, who can't fault the excitement of newness. Anyway, I really never meant for this to be even a remotely negative post.

I had a great year. Definitely.

I did new things, I met new people, I worked, I studied, I sat inside for a week and was really sad and then realised that I didn't have to be that person and I could go out and dance and smile and have adventures and just have a bit of confidence. A confidence that hadn't been inspired by unhealthy. The kind that makes me enjoy playing the piano (I started again this September) and that makes me want to start the ukelule. The kinda of happy where I want to throw out 75% of my possessions because I really don't need them. I'm happy when I run - who cares who sees me, we all look the same (fear of gym was actually a fear of people).

Course, I'm still hiding some things. But its more of a clean up process rather than having anything to hide.

2012-01-03T03:32:00.001Z

Silence is uninspiring.

2011-12-29T13:01:00.001Z

I can see where I'm going to push mysef too.

Two months in Africa?

Please!

Interview - I can do this... Right? Well, at the very least I can give it 100%. What else?

2011-12-25T19:46:00.001Z

2011-12-25T19:27:00.001Z

ho ho ho. Merry Christmas all.

:)

2011-12-23T20:31:00.002Z

Last night I got very sad, very quickly and I now feel sadder because of it. It's silly really, where the brain goes.

So to change that, I want to throw myself out of this funk. I'm also quite tired so maybe a restful nights sleep will help.

2011-12-17T01:57:00.002Z

is there much worse than watching someone else live their life and be insanely jealous or even saddened you're not alongside them..

Taking the year out would be worth it.

Work harder.

Get out.

Do it.

2011-12-17T00:14:00.001Z

Air

2011-12-16T23:19:00.001Z

Stars inside
Are we dreaming?
I steal yours

Legz

2011-12-11T14:30:00.001Z

Just another (manic) Sunday

gnomies

2011-12-08T09:31:00.001Z

Masks

2011-12-08T09:28:00.001Z

She had blue skin,
And so did he,
He kept it hid,
And so did she,

They searched for blue,
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by -
And never knew

sun?

2011-12-07T12:04:00.001Z

bad kitty

2011-12-07T12:01:00.001Z

petty...but

2011-12-05T23:31:00.001Z

hm

2011-12-05T21:53:00.001Z

and we're tired. and it's been a strange day. and I hope they noticed me. but I felt bad so maybe not.

Some pictures

2011-12-05T17:24:00.001Z

Nothing much. Being honest.

2011-12-04T23:07:00.001Z

ah! Closely approaching the final week of this semester. Strangeness.

Where did the time go? Wasn't I supposed to be a better person by now?

oh baby

2011-12-01T15:24:00.001Z

It's a wild world.

Job interview on Saturday. A list of to-dos that is only growing. Happy though.

not that easy

2011-11-26T18:40:00.001Z

pink

2011-11-21T23:22:00.001Z

you make me rage. all I want to tell you that you are wrong. So entirely wrong. You're making both of us unhappy with your "final say". Then you say that you can't compromise. But I can?I hate our friendship.I hate you lots of the time.I hate the fact my parents like you. That you can be useful.That you can help.I hate you so much. You are SO WRONG.Your excuses suck. You're just being a shit.And not being able to break free just proves I'm not as strong as I wish I were.This must end. Limbo.

excuse: i get bored

2011-11-21T18:46:00.001Z

rather, i procrastine.hope all out there had a nice monday.mine was punctuated by doctor visit, class, my piano lesson, some shopping and now feeble attempts to write an essay.Very feeble as you can see.

this week

2011-11-21T00:01:00.001Z

more worknew peopleless sillinessTomorrows plan: doctor, class, piano lesson, meeting my parents, study, bed.I feel a bit lousy.

2011-11-17T13:33:00.001Z

I can't see the screen very well. I'm giving up again. I want my time back. I found it this summer and it was the greatest feeling.The rain is loud. The music is loud. The pain is louder.

2011-11-17T11:22:00.001Z

There's a dull pain living in the base of my spine. I don't feel good about the amount of work I did this week. My blame lies with someone who isn't worth that much.I have a long and worrying to-do list. I want a cape. I am tired, but not that tired. It's cold. I want time. Time and fairy lights.

Holidays are coming

2011-11-11T18:39:00.001Z

Quite quickly.

I saw someone who recognised me today.
He has a banjo...

it's the price I pay

2011-11-07T21:10:00.000Z

sometimes everything within is just grey and spiraling

down and its time to run

2002

2011-11-07T20:08:00.000Z

its dark outside and the view outside reminds me of that night where we won out and then you left.

Sent myself to the library for a few hours of work. The concentration levels are fluctuating. I'm trying to remember how important everything is.

I'm not in love anymore. Our time together is colder. Boring. But he knows. And will be gone soon. I'm trying to build up my own plans for next year. Everything seems dependent on something else and at the helm of it, I stand, uncertain.

My nails are bitten to the quick. Hair tangled. Red lipstick,a quick slash of colour.

A week with new people ahead. Progress. No more waiting.

All I want is a good book to get stuck into, to be able to enjoy some snack without counting numbers (or even considering them) and a plan.

Why can't we wake up feeling bright

sick of this boy

2011-10-25T21:59:00.000+01:00

just.. what's the point or what's the truth is this weeks circular. I don't want any part of this fake little domestic life anymore. It's tearing. I'm waiting to leave. Where to go? I found today, the forms that I wish I had found this time year. A whole year in California. Smart Marie would have found those. But look at today's circumstances - can't even leave for a weekend (so many reasons). He left bruises on my shins.

A very

2011-10-24T22:01:00.001+01:00

grey day

pushing my limits and times and today I realised I amn't in love with something anymore. Empty words and blank kisses. This is probably a good thing.

gut feeling

2011-10-19T22:29:00.001+01:00

I believe it before him...

Why would I trust? It's a little late.

this week I will not

2011-10-13T01:51:00.001+01:00

give anything away

2011-10-07T22:25:00.001+01:00

every moment presents the opportunity to be happy

2011-10-07T22:24:00.004+01:00

embody enthusiasm - live it

2011-10-07T22:24:00.002+01:00

appreciate presence - happiness is here

2011-10-05T11:04:00.001+01:00

2011-10-04T14:04:00.000+01:00

home, let me come home.

It's kinda strange when you realise that some people aren't really all that trustworthy after all. But it's easier to shrug and just leave it off.

opps there goes gravity

2011-09-26T20:53:00.000+01:00

terrible at bothering to do this

generally tired

generally grumpy

circumstance strange

trying to tag all the walls

real update once internet returns tomorrow

love

I want to

2011-09-06T22:16:00.001+01:00

shake the past out of your head

drown out the images from my head

just be able to think about the present

just move on and finally get there

2011-08-29T23:06:00.001+01:00

tiring news

losing days

missing words

2011-08-21T14:26:00.001+01:00

“When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn’t make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better. “It’s all right” we whisper, “I’m here, I love you.” and we lie: “I’ll never leave you.” For just a moment or two the darkness doesn’t seem so bad.” ~Neil Gaiman

2011-08-20T13:58:00.001+01:00

2011-08-19T20:22:00.001+01:00

"a ship in harbour is safe but that's not what ships are built for"

2011-08-19T01:32:00.001+01:00

Fact

2011-08-18T14:18:00.001+01:00

job hunting can be.. demoralising. Too true.

2011-08-16T11:12:00.001+01:00

here's to avoiding temptation and that situation

2011-08-15T22:19:00.001+01:00

Glittery nails

2011-08-12T00:44:00.000+01:00

I LOVE GLITTER NAIL VARNISH

got me

2011-08-10T23:27:00.000+01:00

2011-08-10T23:14:00.001+01:00

“He was a major part of your life; of course you’ll miss him; it’s perfectly normal. It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it, you’re relieved. But how many times do you run your tongue over the spot where it once was ? Probably a hundred times a day.just because it was hurting you, doesn’t mean you don’t notice it. It leaves a gap, and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it always takes some time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s still going to hurt.”

but you burned me

2011-08-10T01:13:00.001+01:00

time and time again

I hope you hate her too

2011-08-10T00:50:00.001+01:00

she's got glasses on

2011-08-10T00:12:00.001+01:00

appreciating everyone I can call my friend

-still thinking about you-

2011-08-09T22:55:00.001+01:00

i travelled through

2011-08-09T14:04:00.001+01:00

time in my dream last night.

you were there.

you couldn't hug me.

you cried.

it felt real.

2011-08-08T03:06:00.000+01:00

how do you say, without words, contact, images or anything but powerful thought,

"I love you. I have since...

I can't think when I didn't.

I fell in love with you twice. I miss you. I have a folder on my laptop of things I think you'd like. I have jokes that only you'd get. I want you to be here to hold my hand. I want to give you absolutely everything. I want to be the only one for you."

you can't really

Oh Marie

2011-08-07T01:31:00.000+01:00

Yes.
That is a black eye.

for the 2nd time

2011-08-06T03:13:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling like if he had just... committed.. that it would all be okay now.

I can't keep feeling this.

I want to be someone else.

I don't want to wait and hope anymore.

I don't want to be disappointed again.

To not know what is going on.

To be hurt.

To think the worst and be right.

Where did the good go?

Plans for autumn

2011-08-06T01:36:00.000+01:00

(I really have to keep busy and distract myself from being sad about moving on)
Doing the things I always wanted to but never do

Hit up new and amazing college societies
Take up an instrument
Get a part-time job
Study, daily
Do the right thing

lets try

at least try

Of course

2011-08-06T01:32:00.001+01:00

I miss him. Terribly. But.. remember the bad times.. And how you told yourself that you don't care who has the good times and the nice bits because, in time, they'll have the bad parts too.

I can feel sad but stay resolute. One day at a time.

Why worry about it?

2011-08-04T20:15:00.000+01:00

I'm doing exactly what I intended to do.

Just later. And after some foolishness.

He left marks, internal and external.

I'll take the good.
Forget the bad.
But leave.

I could cry but I don't think I should.

It'll never just happen

2011-08-04T13:40:00.001+01:00

So I have to take decisive action.
I have to mentally stand up, walk away and get out of there.
I know I can do it.
It's just going to be weird.
Thankfully, as I've already realised, I have a good army.

It makes sense

2011-08-04T03:20:00.001+01:00

that you're where I think you are.

Of course it does.

Of course you are.

I hate you.

flouncy skirts

2011-08-03T16:05:00.001+01:00

and old bad habits

Why are you so hard to talk to?

2011-08-02T15:10:00.000+01:00

So much there.

You're not here.

I miss having someone to talk to.

no words today

2011-08-01T18:49:00.001+01:00

Recommended to all

2011-08-01T03:54:00.001+01:00

Go watch
http://vimeo.com/24195442

I don't think

2011-07-31T23:32:00.000+01:00

an apology would be hard.

Sigh. What life is this.

I can do just fine on my own but this half life, this half caring and half telling myself that it's in my own best interest to go as far away as possible (strangely geographical distance doesn't mean much) and build up walls against him.

I was just looking for an apology.
For all that happened, he didn't have to apologise for much.